Chuck’s Corner - May, 2009

If you recall, last month I had to miss the Chili Cook-off at the River Cities Festival because I was busy painting the living room. My wife and I had decided to redecorate the living room for our 20^th wedding anniversary and the decorator had helped us select “Summerdale Gold” as the color of choice for the walls. Well, you’ll be happy to know that I finally finished painting and it looks fabulous! (That’s a word decorators use a lot but I don’t quite feel comfortable using yet so I’m trying to practice saying it.) While I was at it, I went ahead and painted the family room Pittsfield Buff. Again, the result was fabulous.

The new furniture wasn’t supposed to arrive until late May or early June but we received a call last week informing us that it was here in Miami and ready for delivery. We scheduled an appointment for last Friday and at 8:15 in the morning they were busy unloading the new sofa and chairs from the truck parked in front of our house. Needless to say, the new furniture looks…well…you know.

While the new furniture is undeniably fabulous, it has resulted in some unexpected behavioral changes at our house. For one thing, people no longer hold their noses and quickly walk through the living room upon entering our home. This has caused numerous collisions with guests as we follow them from the front door towards the previously more desirable family room and they suddenly notice the new seating. “Oh, wait! I suppose we could sit here…” they say as they quickly reverse direction and we run full tilt into them. (So far, no bones have been broken and no one has lost an eye but it’s just a matter of time.)

But the biggest change is that Jack is no longer allowed on the furniture in the living room. As you might imagine, he’s none too happy with this new seating arrangement. Before, he would sit on the back of the couch and look out the big picture window all day. In fact, Jack was the only one to sit on the couch so you can imagine his surprise when he heard me say “No! Down!” the first time he jumped on the new couch to assume his position at the window.

Once he realized that I was serious, he attempted to sit on each of the other chairs with similar results. When I shooed him off the ottoman as well he finally accepted defeat and hopped up on the swivel chair at the computer. As he rested his head on the arm rest he turned to me and gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen a dog give a person.

Speaking of looks…

As I mentioned, last month was our 20^th wedding anniversary and, while a new living room is nice, I knew better than to not get something a little more ”romantic” than that for a gift if I ever intended to sleep anywhere other than on the new couch again. So I went on the Internet to see what gift you are supposed to get for your 20^th anniversary and I learned that the traditional gift is something made of china and the modern gift is one made of platinum.

Since we have china we received for wedding gifts that is still in its original box, I figured we didn’t need any more of that so I went off to find a nice platinum gift. I found some nice vacuum cleaners at Lowes that said “Platinum series” on them but then I remembered there wasn’t anything wrong with the vacuum cleaner we have now. I continued my search and finally ended up at a jewelry store where the salesman showed me some nice platinum rings.  I selected one and we went to ring it up. “Would you like to apply for our in-house credit?” the gentleman asked me. “No, thank you” I replied. “Just put it on my credit card”.

Note: It’s probably a good idea for me to mention here that I frequently dress like a vagrant that makes his living stealing other people’s credit cards.

As you might have already guessed, the credit card was denied and the salesman gave me “the look”. “One moment” I said as I whipped out my cell phone to call the 800 number on the card. After negotiating the “Press 1 for account balance, Press 2 for…” thing I finally got through to a live person. “How may I help you?” she asked. “You could start by telling me why the guy on the other side of the counter here is giving me ‘the look’” I said. “Well, we just noticed some unusual activity on your account and we wanted to make sure you still had the card in your possession.” “Oh. OK” I said, “What are these charges?” “Well, there was $21.98 at Roman’s Pizza last night. Was that you?” she queried.  “Yes” I confirmed, “What else?” “That’s all” she said. “WHAT?!? A $20 pizza!!! Are you kidding me?” I cried incredulously. “It’s all cleared up. You may complete your transaction now. Would you like me to stay on the line while it is processed?” she offered.  “I think that would be a good idea” I said.

In the end, my wife agreed that the ring is way more fabulous than a new vacuum cleaner.

As usual, platinum gifts, comments, questions and suggestions can be sent to ChucksCorner@ComCast.net.

This many people think my living room is absolutely fabulous: