Chuck's Corner March, 2007

In case you’re wondering why I haven’t been writing about “24 on Fox!” yet this year it’s because the writing staff on the show has, apparently, been replaced by the people that write “All My Children” or some other soap opera. It seems like every character now has some sort of lame conflict with another character or a skeleton in their closet.

Even the main plot is just a cheap rip-off of last year’s - they just replaced “tear gas canisters” with “nuclear bombs” and threw in a few new faces. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that I can’t even use the threat of no television as a disciplinary tool anymore…

“Owww! Daaaad! Danny hit me!”

“Danny! Don’t hit your sister or you won’t watch ’24 on Fox!’ tonight!”

“Owww! Daaaad! Danny hit me again!”

Oh, well, at least I still have the old standards like “The Late Show with David Letterman”. I always enjoy his Top 10 lists and the “Brush with Greatness” segments where people relate their mundane encounters with celebrities.

Of course, I enjoy a lot of radio programs as well – particularly on NPR. Some of my favorite NPR shows are “This American Life” and “Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me.” In case you’re not familiar with these shows, “This American Life” explores the lives of ordinary people and “Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me” provides a humorous recap of the week’s news and includes a segment where the panel makes up headlines in an attempt to trick listeners into selecting a fake one over the true one. It’s all quite amusing and it got me to wondering what it would be like to combine a “Top 10” list and “Brush with Greatness” with fake headlines as they relate to an ordinary person…namely ME!

So I whipped up a list of 10 stories regarding celebrities that may or may not be true that I – an ordinary person – was personally involved in. It’s up to you to pick the BEST answer. (It’s kind of like the FCAT).

Ready? Here are your choices:

1.      My sister and I were once extras in an episode of the 80’s TV show Miami Vice. We were bible students and Little Richard was the preacher.

2.      I have a photo on my desk at work of me and Rock-and-Roll legend Grace Slick. Just the two of us.

3.      As a gate agent for now defunct Eastern Airlines, I once told Tommy Lasorda (then manager of the LA Dodgers) to sit down and not bother me or else his wife would stay in coach if he approached me again to try to get her upgraded to first class. He didn’t bother me again.

4.      I met Garrison Keillor (Host of A Prairie Home Companion) in person. He then autographed some tapes of “Tales from Lake Wobegone” for a friend of mine.

5.      I have a guitar pick given to me by musician Bill (The Sauce Boss) Wharton. I let my son use it.

6.      I asked Ira Glass (Host of This American Life) to phone a friend of mine and give him a hard time for not coming to see his show in person. He agreed to do so.

7.      I once had lunch with Robert Conrad (star of Wild, Wild West). He’s shorter than I imagined.

Hmm…It’s difficult to come up with 10 things…I guess I’ll throw in a few “zingers” just to confuse you:

8.      I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. It wasn’t as much fun as you might imagine.

9.      All of the above.

10.  None of the above.

Think you know the answer? (I’m not sure even I do at this point.) Well, be sure to read next month’s “Chuck’s Corner” to find out if you’re right!

Just kidding – the answer is, believe it or not, “9. All of the above”.

“Shenanigans!”, you might be saying to yourself right about now, “Just HOW did you become the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby?” Well, OK, TECHNICALLY the correct answer is the non-existent 11. 1-7 (I TOLD you it was like the FCAT!) but I figure with as much money as is involved I’d better stake my claim now while there’s still a shot.

If you’ve got a better idea on how to get Anna Nicole’s money I’d love to hear it.